Saturday, October 30, 2010

Im secretly crying

Its a silent cry right now. I dont wanna be heard & asked wats wrong . 
I've never feltt so fat and ugly in my life before. Just writing it out here makes me feel a tad better for some reason. i dont knw why .. its randomn. But im not a skinny girl being dramatic. I am actually fat , obese to be correct. too fat for my age & height. But i just feel worse today, infront of my bestfriends, they are beautiful, tallish & skinny. & did i mention really beautiful that guys turn their heads when they walk past?

Its not that i get bullied & told im fat & ugly, i kind of have a pretty good social life . the average teen at skool & shit.I even get told im so pretty- but i feel like they r lying; or  i just dont see it .
I was havingg a fucking great day. until now. I feel like absolute shit, and cant stop crying cos i keep thinking how fat i am :/ its not like i havent tried to help my self.. believe me i have.I even have starved myself, doesnt seem to last long :(
I wish i lost all this shit feeling, cos i've never felt THIS bad before.. maybe its my emotional stress levels right now or maybe its my medicines side-effects .. who knows .

- xo

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

To give me all your love is all i ask-

yes i would die for ya babyy- but you wont do the same.
-BrunoMars .
Im loving that song lately.

So today , i decided im gonna try & get over this guy.. its a full on long story. we never went out or anything; i just have a "thing" for him ?
hes just this guy who made me laugh so much till i got stitches, and he was caring & fun yeh?
but hes been weird n different lately.. but neh.
So i was going to class at skool, when he comes over & starts talkin to my bestfs ><
This makes me feel awkward, cos we used to talk for hours.. now we dont even look at eachother, & i have no clue why ! & He decides to talk to me also. For the first timee hes making the effort- only problem is , it happens the day i decide to forget bout our history ><  - enuff bout boys now.

Latelyy everythings just fucking up terribly . its a fucking piss off yeh?
I used to love going to skool & just fucking round with friends. Laughing our fucking heads off, looking like fuckwits cos we were having so much fun .- Now all you see is, 3 people off & about, some nowhere in sight & the rest sitting together. Its all so fucked up, & no-ones talked bout it? its like- they're assuming they are mad at each other so they dont fucking talk !
It all started when i barely went to skool cos of an injury.. i came back & everythings completely fucked. I cant handle seeing them all so fucking miserable . & i feel like im becoming this whole other person? being quite in situations like this is not like me- i would usually solve this by now.. but not this time. It all feels too messed up. Its so fucking overwhelming .

*sigh. I have to fuckoff now.. 
- xo

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Paint a picture, of a perfect place.

so i realised everytime i write a blog im listening to a very different song to the last . &it changes my mood very quickly :/
last post was a bit odd i think ..
anyway . today i've been thinking about the past alot. it never leaves you hey ? the past always keeps bugging you so badly . I hope someone out there knows a cure to forgetting the past.. and making it stop hurting you. Cos my past is killing me slowly inside . Idk how much longer i can put this "facade" up. 

I used to be a very different person last year.. its painful to even think about it. So i think i'll just leave it alone.

Ohh and , i think i figured out why i had those weird  "attacks" that day .. idk im just guessing .. but i smelt some really old illegal substance. Maybe thats why ? cos it was some fucking strong shit alright . 
bahaha, anyway .. hell of a experience .
i feel sick again, i can barely eat - i feel as if its a good thing, since i need to lose a huge amount of weight .  i know its the wrong way, but seriously ? fuck it. im in desperate need of help to lose this shit. so idgaf.

ceeeeeeeeebs with fucking skool & shit these days . so fuckingg overwhelmed !


Sunday, October 17, 2010

Remember when you lost your head?

I havent written in a while. Im tryin this new thing called not going on the net. idk why. i feel like i need time without this shit /:
So atm im supposed to be studying.. or sleeping. Neither i can do for some odd reason.

I've been confused lately. Experiencing tormenting shit . Its pretty fucked up tbh. Shaking,mumbling, ah feels like dying. Weird thing i had dreams bout the important ppl in my life right after i experienced the shit. idk whats wrong tho . i refused to go hospital . no clue why , i think cos i dont wanna know whats wrong with me .. but then i have to. 

Fuck school srsly ! why couldnt we b born with education ffs ?!
this might be the last post for a while again :/ so takecare !

, laters hoes xo

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

" No love lost , no love found."

No Love by Eminem&Lilwayne was my song of the day , & i just saw the video . its based on a kid being bullied in school. I hate bullying, maybe cos i've suffered from it.. but looking back at those days just makes me angry of why i didnt stand up for myself- i mean just cos a persons new to the school & all doesnt mean they deserve to be bullied, right? i love movies that  reaches out to me, inspires me, gives me motivation of some kind :/ im hoping its a good thing. 

But back to the song.. 

I love Eminem, he has this way of getting a message thru to people with his songs, but some people just see him as a sicko who disses singers & shit. But really hes not. If i were Haley (his daughter) id consider myself luckyy to have a father that writes songs about me ! atleast he shows affection in some way. And anyways Lilwayne & Eminem make pretty awesome songs together- i hope they keep this up :]

 - ciao ox`

Monday, October 4, 2010

Life Unexpected # 1

So as you can tell this is my first post, & id like to keep my identity anonymous . You dont need to know a persons name to know their story . 

Im not much of a writer. My blog will probably be all over the place & everything will end up being a big disaster! but i dont care, wont kill to try (:
 Im also not the kind to keep a secret diary or keep track of events in my life. So in advance; i apologize if this gets boring or shitty. 

The suns about to rise & im still not asleep. It feels like last year again. Its been over a year that i;ve been experiencing sleeping difficulties. But these days who doesnt ? My insomnia is on & off. Some days im lucky to catch a few hours of sleep, some days im not.
But im not here to tell you about my past. Just have to say this randomnly- you knw those attention seekers we know? yeh the ones who wont shutup bout how their pimples are ruining their lives, or how their hair just isnt perfect? yep those bitches are the ones that piss me off the most ! argh . 

I have no idea why i even started this blog tbh , i heard people talking about it so i thought maybe i should try it .
- as you can tell im not much of a blogger ahaha,  & it took me about an hour to think of how to start off with my first post ><
i think im just gonna go now & watch GossipGirl, ahh yes im a typical teenager loving dramatic shows , its pretty much the only thing keeping me sane from boredomn ! :]

-  I hopee i get better at this writing a blog thing :L